Dutch-Norwegian Girl Makes Biscotti; Brags About It

Yes, yes, yes. I know I’m supposed to be related by blood to my Italian cousins in order to gain any street cred when it comes to making biscotti. Consider me the Vanilla Ice of the Furfaro clan and jump me in, anyway. 

These sumptuous delicacies are not like what you get from the cookie aisle in the grocery store. You can actually bite into them and chew them without losing half of your teeth. They will cause you to gain weight because you will eat the entire batch in one sitting, so go get you some phat pants and get thick, girl.

Dough ingredients:

1/2 cup unsalted butter, melted (if mixing and kneading by hand, butter should be softened not melted)

3/4 cup sugar

1 whole large egg + two large egg yolks

2 1/2 to 3 cups unsifted flour

1 tablespoon baking powder

1/2 teaspoon salt

Preheat oven to 325 degrees. Add butter and sugar to mixer and beat until well combined. Add eggs and quickly beat into butter and sugar. Add 2 1/2 cups four, the baking powder and salt, and beat until smooth. If it doesn’t hold it’s shape when you form a ball, add another 1/2 cup of flour and beat until smooth. Slow the mixer and let it knead the dough for around 60 seconds, adding spices nuts, etc. while it kneads.(If hand mixing and kneading, knead dough until it no longer sticks to surface.) Dough will be shiny and very smooth. 

Gather up the dough and place it onto an un-greased baking sheet. Form a rectangle about 3/4 inch high, 15 inches long and 6 inches wide. IMG_3331

Bake for 20 minutes, or until it is firm to the touch, crinkly and very lightly browned on the bottom. Remove from oven and let cool for 10 minutes.IMG_3332

With a sharp, large knife, carefully slice into 3/4 inch by 6 inch lengths. Turn lengths on sides, rearrange on sheet and bake for 20 minutes or until very slightly browned on the side touching the baking sheet. Turn off oven, open oven door a little and let the biscotti sit inside until the oven cools. Cookies will be firm, buttery and easy to bite.IMG_3333

My favorite flavor combinations:

*1 tablespoon aniseed, zest of 1 orange, 1/2 cup blanched, slivered almonds

*1 tablespoon poppyseed, zest of 1 lemon

*1/2 cup pistachios, 1/4 cup dried cranberries

Serving suggestion: a bit of quick dunking in a rich cup of coffee (coffee instructions elsewhere in this blog).IMG_3334

Advertisements

By Special Request from Doctor Anonymous

Warning: some of these works of genius are not safe for work; or public squares; or bathroom reading. If you feel compelled to print out some or all of these ecards and post them on your office wall (and you will) go right ahead. Just remember to give credit where credit is due.

“Having this woman as a patient has been the most–shall we say–challenging part of my career. I keep moving my office. She keeps finding it. Anyway…” and gesture toward the cork board.

1342723852504_6141514 copy 482646_10200770411688581_1457288846_n MjAxMy02NzYxZDY0ZmYxY2YzMzIx copy MjAxMy1hMGJmZTdkZTg2ODVmZjJj copy MjAxMy03YzkwYWRlYTI4OGEzN2Qx copy 1338741349373_6429175 copy MjAxMi1hNzQwNzFmZDJiNzczN2Ez copy MjAxMy0zNjU1MzJiYzQ0YTA4OTEy copy MjAxMy05OTdmNGZkMmQzNDkyM2Y3 copy 1345154604641_5937522 copy MjAxMy1jMDgxYjY1YjczMjVkOGE5 copy MjAxMy01ODRjYWQ3MTM5NTY2NzEy copy MjAxMy1hMzdkODA3NTE2ZDZhYTEy copy Rottenecards_3865332_2bfgvfzj5b copy Rottenecards_5565646_65kcnvfq55 copy Rottenecards_16452164_rk9dk3fjfn copy Rottenecards_55329238_mxsp6d332s copy

Cookies for Oldsters

Chewy, buttery, loaded with regularity and middle-aged goodness, this recipe is so similar to the Quaker Oats oatmeal cookie recipe that I should probably be arrested for plagiarism (or grand theft auto, but that’s a story for later). Instead of oats, however, there is bran in these here cookies.

Bran, as you are no doubt aware, tastes like sawdust. The texture is much like sawdust, too, and requires plenty of moisture to make up for its inherent dryness. There is a lot of butter and brown sugar in this recipe. A lot. Do not labor under the illusion that these are low calorie. I don’t do low calorie.

I bumped up the spice factor to delight the palette and bury the sawdust taste in the woodworking shop where it belongs; and the end result is so good, I ate six of them in an hour. I can’t wait for them to kick in… if you catch my drift.

THE INGREDIENTS:

1 cup margarine or 1 cup butter, softened (Please use butter. Please.)
1 cup dark brown sugar, firmly packed
1/2 cup granulated sugar
2 eggs
1 teaspoon vanilla
1 1/2 cups all-purpose flour
1 teaspoon baking soda
1 teaspoon cinnamon (Also add 1/2 teaspoon cloves, cardamom, allspice and/or nutmeg. Whatever you got.)
1/2 teaspoon salt
3 cups Allbran, Bran Buds or a generically branded sawdust
1 cup raisins or currants (I prefer the latter because they stay chewy and aren’t quite as sweet.)

SOME INSTRUCTIONS:

Preheat oven to 350 degrees. Cream butter and sugars by hand or in mixer. Beat in eggs and vanilla. Dip-level-pour the flour (or sift, if you’re like that) and add it and the salt, soda and spices to the wet ingredients. Stir until combined. Add the bran and the raisins or currants, and stir to combine well.

Place walnut-sized blobs of dough around two inches apart on a lightly greased cookie sheet, and bake for approximately 10 minutes. They should be slightly dark around the edges, and the sheen from the center should be almost gone. Cool them briefly before removing from sheet. Makes around 40 amazingly tasty cookies full of fiber, iron and whatever vitamins they put in the cereal.

A PHOTO OF THREE COOKIES:

brancookies

Old Person Health Code

Forgive my foul mood. I was up most of the night with ‘an attack of angina’.

What’s ‘an attack of angina’? Angina is one of those things that old people like me get so we have something dramatic sounding to complain about. It’s a painful cramp in the heart muscle, followed by very sore ribs, and most often has no apparent cause. It’s in the “Old Person Health Code” that it can only occur at 3:37 a.m., and under no circumstances are you allowed to call for an ambulance. The only known cure is to repeat, “I had ‘an attack of angina’ last night,” until your audience stops taking you seriously and wanders off.

The rest of the rules are as follows:

You must acquire ‘gout’. You don’t know what ‘gout’ is, but you must acquire it, anyway. Symptoms can range from triple sneezes to hives, to addiction to ginger ale, to watching infomercials for lap band surgery.

You must get The Dropsies. If you pick something up and immediately drop it, you have The Dropsies. “I used to have a full set of china until I got The Dropsies.” “Marjorie got The Dropsies and accidentally spilled half a bottle of her constipation pills down the bathroom sink.”

You do not have prescription or over-the-counter medications, you have ‘pills’. Tylenol, Valium, suppositories, Percocet, acid blockers, beta-blockers and insulin injections all fall under the heading ‘pills’. At least once a week you must mix them up.

Drink and drive. No one will notice the difference.

Consume massive quantities of black tea. Green tea doesn’t “…do the trick.”

For exercise, grab the nearest teacup poodle and walk it. The only other acceptable breed is a white Maltese with weeping eyes. If you walk a pit bull, your age reverts back to 25 and your erectile dysfunction goes away. We can’t have that, now can we?

Last but not least, when you hear an ambulance assume it’s for you. You probably forgot the angina rule.

Nondenominational Gingerbread Cookies

Someone recently tried to convince me that Christmas is about the baby Jesus, and that there are over a billion people on earth who feel that way*. In my experience it’s about eating and bickering, and giving a nod to all those other holidays that conveniently land in late December.

Despite my general heathenish ways, during bicker season I operate under the assumption that spices probably weren’t something Joseph and Mary could afford (on account of all the times they had to move). I set aside my resistance, and I selflessly make Jesus some festively spiced birthday treats known as gingerbread cookies.

Gather ye your ingredients:

1 cup vegetable shortening

1 cup white sugar

1 cup molasses

1 egg

2 tablespoons apple cider vinegar

5 cups flour (plus extra for rolling out dough)

1 1/2 teaspoons baking soda

1/2 teaspoon salt

2-3 tablespoons ground ginger (I use 3)

1 teaspoon cinnamon

1 teaspoon cloves

1/2 teaspoon allspice (if you can afford it)

1/8 teaspoon very finely ground black or white pepper (optional)

Have at a’hand:

measuring devices

rolling pin (for chasing your spouse out of the kitchen)

cookie sheets

cookie cutters

flat spatula

circus strong man with a pastry cutter, fork and wooden spoon, and/or a stand mixer

Using either a stand mixer with beater attachment or a pastry cutter, add the shortening and sugar in bowl, stir or cut up at first, then beat it into a fluffy dither.

Crack egg into a separate bowl and whisk it a little to break up the yolk. Check for pieces of shell or a funky smell, and if it passes those tests you can add it to the sugar and shortening. Also add the molasses and vinegar. Beat for about a minute.

Measure five cups of flour into another bowl and lightly stir it with the soda, salt and spices. I don’t bother to sift, but I make sure my cups of flour aren’t packed too tightly. A separate bowl allows you to recount your cups in case you lose track, which never happens to me**.

Slowly add the dry ingredients to the wet ingredients a cup at a time, stirring between additions and scraping down the sides of the bowl to catch all the stray stuff. When everything is combined, turn the mixer up just a little and give it a 30 second fast stir. The dough with start to form a mass and will climb up the beater. If you are using the ‘circus strong man’ method, have him put a little elbow grease into it.

Pack the dough into a thick disk (sort of) and wrap it in plastic or put it in an air tight container. Let it chill for at least an hour.

This is a big recipe, so only roll out half the dough at a time using plenty of flour on your chosen surface. I roll it on the counter atop my dish washer so I can scrape the floury mess into the washer when I’m all done. (Make sure it isn’t full of clean dishes before doing this.)

I eyeball the thickness of my dough at about 3/16 inch, but some people like it 1/8 inch and some 1/4. If you have trouble visualizing these measurements, buy a ruler. No, really. I’m not a grade school math teacher, okay?

Cut out cookies using cutters that are sharp, aren’t too large, and don’t have a lot of very thin shapes because that sort of thing will break during the icing process. Plus those itty bitty stems of dough usually cook too fast. My fave cutter is actually an oak leaf, but it looks enough like a holly leaf, it can be iced in many festive ways and it doesn’t scream “CHRISTMAS!” at everyone on my Kwanzaa gift list.

Place the cookies on an ungreased baking sheet. Sometimes I use parchment paper underneath the cookies for easy removal after baking. Also, a very flat spatula is required for transport so you don’t smoosh your shapes. (If you want smooshed shapes, wear a tighter girdle.)

The cookies should be about an inch apart on the sheet. When you get your first sheet filled, pop it into the fridge for around 10 minutes (this prevents spreading); during which time you can preheat your oven to 375 degrees and get a head start on your next sheet.

Bake the cookies for 6-7 minutes. Do NOT bake them longer than that. You’ll be gathering up the excess dough from the first rolling and rolling it out at least once more to get more cookies to cut. These subsequent rollings can make for some proverbially ‘tough cookies’ if over baked.

Let the cookies cool for 10 minutes on the pan. Remove from pan and place in airtight container until you are ready to decorate, where they can live–unadorned–for up to two weeks, or freeze them for up to a month. Makes five dozen 2″x3″ cookies.

I’ll do an OCD, A-type personality bit about cookie decorating later in the season. Now go get your Xanax refilled before the Christmas rush.

________

*Sources close to home have revealed that they attend midnight mass, but as yet they haven’t provided any concrete evidence.

**Actually, it happens to me constantly. It’s a real problem and I should probably get it checked out.